I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
