just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
