Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
