dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Barsexuality is the new black.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
