I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
