How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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