i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
