you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
