i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
