Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
