I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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