I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
