checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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