So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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