Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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