nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
