I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
