Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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