just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
someone threw a dead crab at me
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
