Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
