i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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