Please, let me fuck your mom
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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