mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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