I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
