her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
