so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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