Where did you get a picture of my penis
I have demons in me.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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