i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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