The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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