I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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