Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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