mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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