What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
