My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
