I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I love having hate sex.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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