You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
