Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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