Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
