I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
