i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
