I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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