if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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