you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
