Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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