I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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