Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dick very happy bro
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
