I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
