I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
