sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
