someone owes me an orgasm
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
